Gave the hate names — Racism and Misogyny and more

This story is about me but more than me.

I found out that I had been living in my own idealized world not long ago. This idealized world had been created by my parents, relatives, friends, teachers, and many other kind people I have encountered.

It was not that I have never seen or encountered any injustice, unfairness, and any kind of violence. It was the naive me who didn’t know their names.

Before, when I seen, encountered, and experienced these kinds of unfairness and injustice, I didn’t get angry, instead, I got sad and confused that I just don’t understand why people are like that, why they are mean to each other, why there is hatred in the world. I’ve been bullied, ostracised, laughed at, and rejected many times in my life for all different but stupid reasons, like my strong emotions, my feminity, my appearance, my race, my country, my accent and grammar mistakes, my clumsiness, and weirdness and etc. I don’t understand the reasons that why I was not liked because I love people so much.

So I think it was me and I decided to change, changing myself for me to get less hate. I only wore dresses when I was little. As my mom told me that I even wore the dress during the coldest day in the winter. But after my kindergarten year, I hardly wear any dresses because I wanted to look more masculine and I even wanted to change my name, to a male name.

I couldn’t explain the reason why I changed my clothing and wanted to change my name;

I didn’t know what I was afraid of and what I had been protecting myself from.

I cry a lot. I cried in many inappropriate situations. I cried in front of my class when I made a presentation about misinformation and disinformation because I thought my class didn’t care. I cried during my group work when I felt that I was not appreciated and respected. I cried when I had arguments with others even my words and my thoughts were clear and strong.

Sometimes, I could cover myself. But most of the time, I couldn’t. I run and I hide. I think I was inappropriate and I want to be the appropriate adult one day.

I couldn’t explain the reason why I was crying;

I didn't know what I had been sad for and what I had been protecting myself from.

Now, I know. These oppressions, hate, injustice, and unfairness, I’ve seen them, encountered them, and experienced them. I know their names when it comes to other people. But I don’t know their names when they were coming to me.

I hid and run. I was so afraid, sad, confused, and even depressed.

Now I know their names.

They are racism and misogyny, nationalism, and more.

When I encounter these oppressions next time, I would know I can defend myself and I can protect myself from them. I won’t let these oppressions oppress me again. I hate those oppressions so much, any kind of oppression, class oppression, sexism, racism, heterosexism, nationalism, and so on.

I finally know their names now,

I regain my agency and I will embrace my vulnerability, sensitivity, and feminity.

I want to empower others, to let people see the oppressions and defend themselves, and help each other in solidarity.

We are in this together.